I’ve always been in search of something. I didn’t always clearly understood what was that I wanted, or needed, but I’ve always felt the urge to dug deep into things. A desperate longing to understand and know. What is the World? How does it function? Why is “good” good and “bad” bad? Are fairies real? Will I receive my Hogwarts letter?
You can say I was a curious child a rebellious adolescent and an even more curious young adult (accent on the young)
One of the things I focused on my “pagan studies” were symbols.
La Nature est un temple où de vivants piliers
Laissent parfois sortir de confuses paroles;
L’homme y passe à travers des forêts de symboles
Qui l’observent avec des regards familiers.
– Correspondances, Charles Baudelaire
I’ve always found meaning in symbols. Words, drawing and music have a huge presence in my life. When I discovered archetypes and how much the lore could tell me about things I looked at without any interest, I was stunned. You could say I had an epiphany.
In Nature’s temple, living pillars rise,
Speaking sometimes in words of abstruse sense;
Man walks through woods of symbols, dark and dense,
Which gaze at him with fond familiar eyes.
– Jacques LeClercq, Flowers of Evil
The idea that everything in the world is linked still fascinates and resonates with me. Add to the cocktail that I easily spot patterns and love to find new interpretations, outcomes and meanings in what I see, and here you have the best serve.
So, what does this all bring us to? Is this intrinsic curiosity source more of answers or questions? You may already know the answer: it brings to both. My boyfriend doesn’t fail to express amazement for this constant research. “Aren’t you tired of seeking something? Haven’t you found your answers yet?” I did. And then I changed and needed new answers. Sometimes the questions slowly shifted into something new. I encountered something I didn’t expect and there it is! A new question born.
There is nothing more exciting than setting for an adventur and to me that rhymes mostly with self-discovery and growth. My quest doesn’t involve golden rings, princes becoming king, or rebel princesses. I wished it involved more fairies, maybe an Elminster or two, more travelling. Nothing that can’t be done (except for Elminster I suppose).
What I believe is that my need is to know the world. You can’t do that by studying only sciences. You can’t do that only with philosphy. You need both. And you can’t understand the loudest inhabitats Earth ever seen by being static. Empathy brings us to a point, but to truly understand (fear, panic, exstasy, whatever) we need to experience. Maybe that is why my spiritual growth involves so much shifting and changing. Maybe that’s also why I spent so much time in search of my “true” me. Not because the one I was wasn’t real, but because I felt the wrong me for the time I was living in.