scared af

We humans have so many bugs we could be a Bethesda game.
Let’s put the physical ones aside, because they’re so many and I probably don’t know them all. The mental ones are 100 times more fascinating to me, anyway.

For example, I’ll never understand why our brains prefer to revel in shit than master the courage to do something. Anything.
I’ve repeated this something like a million time this year already, but our brains hate the unknown. Fucking scared. Sometimes, successfully leaving a stressful situation behind you is a thousand times worse because your brain is set on “hey, we already know how to feel bad,  let’s keep it this way”
Going out of your way, even if you need to do it to feel better and be better, is scary. You never know what’s going to happen.

I personally am scared as fuck right now. I’ve been pretty ok for a while, but for some reason anxiety started kicking back in the other day. Note: I’m not diagnosed with any mental illness. Nor I’m pretending to have any mental issue, except for the huge fucks up and poor life choices that are part of existence. Right back to what I was saying. Hell if I know why, however I do feel pretty badly.
There are many issues in my life I’m scared to work out. That’s why I’m bothered right now. That’s why I’m anxious: my brain doesn’t want to go on solving problems it needs to solve because it knows it’ll be a huge, fucking mess.
Have you ever felt like you could be better, but you don’t know where to start or – worse – that you can’t do that thing, for all thing in the world? Yeah. Except that I absolutely understand why and how I need to go deep into things this time.

I’ve gone on saying “not now, I couldn’t resist such thing” – and that was true. Going into issues last year or two years ago, or even three, might have resulted into complete havoc. But now? Now is the time to face it all.
Yeah, this scares the shit out of me.

But what if you fly?


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