A letter to: yourself as a child – 30DLW

23rd September 2016

Dear little me,
I’m so glad to write this letter to you, I hope it comes as an unexpected gift from the future. There are so many things I’d like to say to you, so many things I wished someone told me when I was younger. 

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First of all, it’s not your fault if you’re different. It’s not your fault if you do not fit in. It’s not your fault if the other kids don’t get you and bully you. But do not expect them to grow up and be bad people.  Mum tells you that constantly: you’ll become good, you’ll graduate, have a nice job, money, a good life. They will be left out because of their attitude, because they’re bad and bad people get nothing.  In reality, they will probably be the same as you: adolescents and young adults struggling with their life. They might even be more successful than you, from this point of view. That doesn’t make you worse. One is not defined by what they do at six years old, and you are not defined by anything if not your actions. 

You are loved, and you will be loved. By many people. In some years, your world will be shattered when you’ll reach the conclusion that no one is going to love you, ever. I would spare you the feelings of loss, helplessness, reject, anger. But I can’t. Only you can live through it and survive through it. You’ll be so hurted, you will feel shit and you’ll suffer so much you will believe your entire being will crumble into little pieces. Do not give up. Listen to your suffering, because as much as it hurts it is telling you something. Let yourself feel every little moment of happiness, the bursts of sadness, the flaming rage. But don’t give up to apathy. You won’t be good at it, anyway. It’ll just mess you up. Badly. You’ll want to feel nothing, but there’s no feeling worse than emotional apathy. And one day, you’re going to find someone who loves you so much the pieces of yourself will put themselves back together.

Do not be afraid to open completely to possibilities. You are going to feel so scared of every step you’ll make, but consider this: you are stardust. You are made of the same substance of the Universe: the stars, nebulae, black holes and planets live in you. You already are exceptional. You are something beautiful and so immense, why should you be afraid of slipping once? Stars explode and become black holes and yet scientists marvel at that, they do not scream “Boooh, fail”, right?

I can’t recall exactly all the things I was when I was kid. I remember some details of who I was when I was you. But whoever you feel you are in this moment, do not be afraid of it. And don’t excuse yourself with anyone. You have all the rights to be as marvellous (and as different) as you are. 

Your old-as-hell 23 y.o. self,

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A letter to: your significan other – 30 days of OLW

15th September 2016,

My dear love,
I’m sitting down writing this letter because of a writing project I started. You have to write one letter every day and the first one is addresssd to your loved one. It took forever to be written and forever to be edited, because I wanted the perfect moment to take the pen and start writing.

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I thought about it for days, before finally sitting at the desk. I reharsed what I wanted to say in my head for a hundred times, tried to prepare myself for this moment. Truth is, there is just this moment to do it, to write. Waiting for it to be perfect is just a way to exorcise my fears. I don’t know what to expect from this.

I love you. Very deeply, to the point I think that part of myself developed around this love; now nestled at the centre of my being like a precious jewel. It really is the best thing I have in my life and I still can’t grasp my mind around the fact that I love you and you love me back. It seems so…it is wonderful, of course, but it also seem something like a dream, or a fairy tale. How can something so beautiful like you be real?
In the past months I tried to explain to you why is that I love you; I believe you deserve to know and when I understood it myself,  I was caught in this state of euphoria, like a scientist that discovered a pretty big secret of the universe (I’ going to work on these metaphors, they suck a bit). I wanted to make you part of this feeling.
Every time I tried to spell everything to you, however, I couldn’t really spit it all out. I worried about breaking some sort of spell. So I guess this is all about your curiosity, now. If you too believe this is something that ought to stay hidden, you may stop reading now.

In my life I met a lot of people and most of them can be pinned down into two categories: those who wanted me to be slightly different (to better follow their standards) and those who put part of me or a part of my personality on a pedestal (and still wanted me to be in some way for their own benefit).
I either talked too much, was too self-conscious, knew far too well what I wanted, spoke too openly or whatever. I can count maybe two or three people in my life who never cared about my worth in relation to what they could gain from me. Especially in a romantic sense. Whoever I met either wanted me to shrink into their own definition and frame of who I am or seemed fascinated by some part of my character that I still can’t identify (although I’d like to, so if you have guesses to make, I’m more than happy to hear them out).
Not you, though. You were the only one to love me simply because I was a person, I existed, and I mattered just because of this. Despite my flaws, my insecurities and my darkest moments,  you never stopped to look at me with those eyes full of earnest love. You never asked me to be different for you, or tried to make me your “ideal” or whatever.
You encouraged me to become a better person because *I* would’ve been the one benefiting from this. Instead of sewing me a dress to wear, you let me cut it out for myself. And this is the most beautiful thing that could ever happen to anyone: to find someone so compassionate and loving as you are.

I fear I’m not nearly as good as you are in this. I don’t think I’m always capable to be so caring and affectionate, to be supportive every time you need it. Sometimes I feel I’m not enough for myself, let alone being enough for someone like you. Someone who loves me so much, someone that in the end I don’t think I deserve. But I’m trying. I’m trying to be more like you, in this. I want to learn from you, I want to be able to give to you all the love you need. Because you deserve it all. You deserve every kiss, every hug, every snuggle, every caress. You deserve it, and need it like a flower needs water. I want to be your water, I want you to bloom and be the radiant and beautiful human being that you are.

I love you, always and forever.

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Introducing the Open Letter Writing Challenge

The open letter writing challenge, as you can imagine, proposes you thirty different subjects to write an honest letter to.

I always thought that challenges like this one are a funny way to take on new habits or trying to do something creative and different. I figured it would be a nice way to kick-start myself into writing consistently again, plus some of the daily challenges can be also inspiration for shadow work, which is something I’m slowly incorporating in my life.
It’s half journaling and half writing with a lot of emotions in between.

Here’s the complete schedule of the challenge, if you’d like to try it out yourself:

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Unfortunately this challenge was posted on this tumblr blog without credits, if you know the creator let me know!


Friendship, Coffee and Books

This morning I went out with an old high school friend. It’s the kind of friend I don’t see much, but with whom I always am happy to go out and talk just about everything. We walked around the city centre, and then went to this lovely little bar. We enjoyed dinner, drunk one of the best coffee I ever had (with ice cream in it! A real delight!) and we also found some interesting books. Because this little coffee shop I never heard of has a shelf for book crossing! It was like a dream, especially because I found old italian copies of Terry Pratchett, Yeats and Weis & Hickman. I’m in heaven. I plan to go there as soon as possible and bring old books I’m not interested in anymore, to return the favour to the universe.
They also organize evenings with spiritual themes, and although they seem too new age-y for my liking I’m going to try some of them just out of curiosity.

It was such a delightful morning and I enjoyed myself so much. It’s rare for me to feel like this, to feel completely accepted from those I have in front of me and to feel like my company really matters.
Especially because in the last weekes I had a bad time dealing with people and those that (supposedly) are my friends. After a couple of years of ignoring the matter, I realise that the person I have around me are not the one with whom I can share my interests. My real interests. Make serious discussions about what really matters to me. Not just superficial videogame and book chat. And just after realising this I became eager to go out of my comfort zone and try to meet new people, go to new places and meet someone who shares even a little slice of my interests.

However, I’m not completely alone. I have a couple of close friends with whom I feel I can really talk about everything and the friend I went out with today is one of them. I still don’t know why we are so comfortable with each other, because you could look at us and guess we’re the most different persone on the planet. And yet, she is one of the few people who is there for me and I feel like I haven’t considered how much this is meaningful in my life. I believe that I overlooked her for such a long time.
It’s crazy, but we complaing of what makes us feel bad and forget so easily what is good for us.

I’m writing this to remember and celebrate how much fun we had today, how I felt good. It is a reminder to be more thankful and to celebrate more what I already have in my life, instead of complaining for what I don’t have.

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REVIEW: Dreamwalker by James Oswald

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this cover is beautiful, look at that design!

Erroll and Benfro are two young boys, living wiith their mothers. They don’t live far from each other and both are curious, talented and have a knack for getting themselves into trouble. But they are very different: Erroll is a human and he wants to become a fighting priest. Benfro is a dragon, the last male dragon to be born in Gwlad. And dragons are watched with suspect from humans, who used to kill them in the name of their God. Both of them are going to face the world outside their quite villages, a world full of enemies and magic.

I enjoyed the concept of this world a lot. If I’m not mistaken, it draws quite heavily from Welsh folklore and culture, of which the names are just the most visible feature. The lessons of magic presented are not much far from what I read in more than one (pagan) book myself, and that was particularly appealing and satisfying. However, I feel like the world building could’ve been done in a much more concise way. It seemed to me that many things were mentioned, but few where explained in depth. Despite it all, there are no elements missing that affect the understanding of the story, so I will call my personal taste on this one.

What really put me off and gave me a hard time going through a third of the book is the fact that the story is very slow. When you start reading it’s not a problem, as you still have to enter the world completely and there is more than one aspect of life in this fantastical world that requires an explanation: the society, the magic, the political situation and the political schemes, the religion. Progressing through the reading, however, it really slows down the reading process and the story seems to be prolonged endlessly without really nothing happening. I also found the change between story lines (that of Erroll and that of Benfro) to be too abrupt sometimes, as the scene is cut and there is a switch back and forth between the two stories.

I don’t believe the storytelling is bad, however, and I must say that I enjoyed it despite its flaws. What I think is that maybe this book serves more as a prologue to give the backstory of the two main characters in the series, instead of being the beginning of the story as one usually understands it. I’m probably going to pick up the next book – as soon as I can put my hands on it – and I’m curious to see where the story goes. Most of all I want to witness the encounter between Benfro and Erroll and the merging of the two main narrative paths of the first book.

A special mention goes to the beautiful cover of this book, which is carton-like, has a beautiful design and it’s also sparkly. One shouldn’t judge a book from its cover, but in this case it is a real work of art!

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