The pressure of everything that has happened in the past three weeks left me with a sense of detachment from myself. I feel like I’m thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, like I want to do everything but do not know how to start. In moments such as this, it is like my entire being is trying to escape my body so anxiously and in such a hurry, that it gets stuck at the exit. Pressing at whatever hole there might be.
I’m glad that it does, because imagine if I were left with nothing, but I am lucky enough to know that this feeling means I forgot to be in contact with my true self and that I need to take cover and rest. Be with myself.
University does not help. I have a lot of work to do, and my life became again so frenetic that I can barely keep up with the (light) shadow work that I was doing and that was helping me so much. I can barely hear my thoughts, let alone dig into them.
There are not only bad things, though. It’s October. I love October, with its chill hair and crispy leaves.
The rains started last week and I have this strong impression that the Cailleach has put her veil onto the world – it’s not white snow, but it’s that grey of the rains announcing November and colder temperatures. Like a promise, something to look forward to.
I feel the world became so quite, and I marvel at the silence and the calmness that I perceive. I’d like to feel that peace, too.
I have to let my leaves fall. As always, though, I start over-thinking about what I should do and that does not allow me to see what I can do.
I need to go outside. Yesterday I wanted to, but the rain was so thick I couldn’t see an inch from my nose. I crave nature, that I once again left behind.