I’ve thought about it quite a lot recently: what do I want from my spirituality? Especially, what do I want to make of it?
Like many, I started dabbling in paganism around 15 years old – as an adolescent I was amazed by all the things I discovered, all the things I learned. The more I dug, the deeper that neo-pagan thing got: Wicca came first, through the neo-wiccan publications available (sorry, Gardnerian folks). It wasn’t what I was looking for, though.
An eclectic mixture of various pagan tradition was the second path I took: studying the Hellenic mythology, while observing Celtic holidays. Present-day me goes “yikes” everytime she thinks about it. Yet, it was a well with no bottom, in many ways it still is, and the still-adolescent me didn’t knew what to make of all this information without structure she had acquired during the years.
Then, the abrupt alt: what am I doing?
Books, books, books: for some reason, they always seem to be the answer.
When I found out that the neo-pagan nerds are called “reconstructionist”, I exhaled a breath I didn’t know I was holding. That was a thing I could go well with! The previous explorations had been good, but my relationship with the Gods gave me an idea of the divine that apparently wasn’t the most popular. Fortunately, there is always someone that names the thing you’re passsing through or what you experience. We should really thank the shared human experience for that, saves you the horrible feeling of loneliness.
I dabbled a bit in Celtic polytheism before stopping with even the basic religious and spiritual practices I managed to hold during Hard Times. I needed time to reflect upon worthiness, relationships, myself. The relativity of existence. Adjectives. Meaning. A whole bunch of things.
Keeping contact with the divine might’ve been wiser, but sometimes you need to cut some ties and give time to yourself before being able to really invest yourself into a relationship.
I feel like this is the appropriate time. That’s why I decided to start the dedicant program with the ADF. I’m not gonna lie: I need structure. I’m lazy and I need to be pushed to action, sometimes my own internal drive is not enough. Mix this with the problem the reconstructionist movement face, and you get the perfect deterrent for me: “how do I even put these things together, where do I start? Ugh, Whatever!”
ADF will hopefully give me the structure I need, without sacrificing anything in terms of personal exploration of the pantheons and heart-cultures.
It’s not like when I was 15: nine years of life have added something. Even if there is not the kind of excitement that comes from the discovering of a completely new world you’ve just discovered, there’s this calm serenity that seems to say: “come at me! I’m ready!”