January wrap-up

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Adulthood is a myth by Sarah Andersen
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Sarah Scribbles is a famous web comic series, written by Sarah Andersen, of which this volume is a selection.
It’s all about becoming adults, and sometimes not being really good at it. It’s about the anxiety you sometimes feel, hidden truths about life and the idea that we’re all on the same boat here.

Poorly Drawn Lines by Reza Farazmand
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Poorly Drawn Lines is my favourite web comic ever. It surpassed also Cyanide & Happiness. A lot. It’s about non-sensical humor, space bears, mice with knives attacking boys with big ears and bad puns.
If you’ve never looked at them, please give them a try. Maybe it’s not your kind humor, but the author is so creative! I enjoy them so much! (and it’s the perfect volume for bibliomancy, I swear).

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
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This book is probably one of the best introductions on the subject and not only because it’s written by one of the doctors who theoriesed the existence of an EQ. It provides basic knowledge on how the brain and emotions developed, explaining how the brain physically works its way around emotions. It gives data on researches and studies, as well as drawing from the experience of the author himself. It defines emotions very clearly, giving also a variety suggestions on how to handle them, and last but not least it’s also very detailed on how important it is to give our children emotional support and educate their emotions along with their logic.
I loved it. It took me a month to be read and I still go back to it when I need to understand something better. The language is simple enough for non-experts in the field and the writing is linear and clear. I strongly recommend this one to everyone, but if you’re interested in understanding how the brain works it’s a must read.

The Fox by D.H. Lawrence
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I like foxes, which is why I picked up this book while in the library. It’s the first work of Lawrence that I read (although Lady Chatterley waits for me) and I wasn’t impressed that much.
I liked the idea of a manly female protagonist (for the age, must’ve been quite crazy!) but these modernist depictions of love I really don’t like, and the male protagonist was an contradiction of himself.
It surely started like an uncanny and pleasant read, but when I reached half of it I was already a bit deluded. I gained interest toward the end again, I must say. 

Dionea e altre Storie Fantastiche bye Vernon Lee
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A collection of fantastical stories by Vernon Lee, but there is no correspondant edition in English so I’m going to assume this was a mash-up made by the Italian publisher.
I haven’t enjoyed them much: it’s too much…ninetienth century flavoured both in writing and in the depiction of history and mythology.I know how much the victorians were fascinated by such subjects, but it’s an obsolete way to look at it.  Plus, I haven’t found really anything particularly outstanding in the stories, which is a shame because I really wanted to enjoy them.

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TAROT DECK REVIEW: Arcane Bullshit

I laid my eyes on the Arcane Bullshit tarot deck the first time I believe a year and a half ago. I was reading an article by Sarah Anne Lawless about indie tarot decks, because I was looking for a new addition to my collection. Note to the reader: my collection was composed of a Celtic Tarot deck based on the original RWS deck, and another one always celtic-themed where the 22 major arcana were represented by various God/esses (a mish-mash of Irish and Gaulish deities) and the minor were ogham in different order for each season.
I was looking for something with a more classic tarot imagery to start learning again, but I never found the Marseille or the Raider-Waite-Smith deck particularly appealing. It was a hard challenge.

Until I saw the Arcane Bullshit. Every single image spoke deeply to my soul (which probably says a lot about me). After months of going back and telling myself that “yeah, I wanted something more classic”, I received them as a birthday gift from my boyfriend. And I love every single card.

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Chaos Mom is in my top 5 cards in the deck

The deck is composed of 50 cards and doesn’t follow the standard major/minor so I think we could say it’s not properly tarot, but more of an oracle deck. Despite the name, I found some of the cards mantain some symbols we often see around (i.e. the eye, skulls, etc.) and cards like Knees, Random Clipart, Robododo or the Card of Cards still make a lot of sense to me. Working with them is wonderful, funny and really engaging. When you pull out a card that doesn’t seem to make any sense (litterally!) you really have to let your sixth sense run. What could the Pit Bull in a Triny Truck mean? What’s the Hooker with an Octopus trying to tell you?

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some of my favourite cards of the deck + my tarot journal

It’s like a new world to be discovered, because there is no set interpretation for the cards, although in the Tarot Bullshit app there are some idea on what they could mean. You can also do a reading with the app, which is completely free, and see where it brings you.
Despite their looks, I assure you this deck is absolutely serious – it only does its work in its own way, but it calls you out in such an honest way. I’d say thee cards feel very direct.

I adore working with this deck. I’ve never been good with card divination, but now I feel more interested into it and ready to study it properly (I’m going to get a RWS deck eventually for this purpose) and it has really boosted my confidence to work with cards that I can really understand.

I understand that this is not your standard deck, but I reccomend getting a copy if you like an approach to card reading that is absolutely non dogmatic and leaves you a little bit of freedom in the interpretation, or just to tell a very bizarre story.
I also believe that they would work great with Cards Against Humanity. Just imagine the greatness of such reading!

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“I need to see a psychologist”, my list of fears:

Mom, I want to go to the shrink

  • “I’m sorry sweetheart, we have money enough to cure only one person in this family and that isn’t you”
  • “You don’t *need* a doctor, this is something you can sort out on your own”
  • “Why haven’t I learned of this sooner? You always keep things to yourself and never, never share anything, are we even family to you or what?!”
  • “You don’t seem to have a problem, just waisting your time instead of graduating and doing real stuff”

To the shrink

  • “You are mad. Absolutely insane. You see, I’m not even here. I don’t exist. Nothing exist, it’s all you hallucination”
  • “The results of the test is that you’re a douchebag and there’s no cure for that, sorry”
  • “You have a very real, very concrete psychological problem (probably inherited by someone in your family) and you’re going to struggle with it your whole life and never get anywhere”
  • “Take these pills*”

My head

  • “I can do this on my own” I tried, it didn’t make it better, did it? “That’s because you’re a useless idiot who can’t do anything”
  • “You’re a terrible person. Terrible person deserve nothing”
  • *crying myself to sleep*
  • *the horrible sensation I’m getting more insane as seconds go by*

 

*this is not a critic to pyschopharmaceuticals, I’m just scared by them

I need a therapist

Maybe this is not something you say to the person you love the most in the world, not after doing what I’ve done.

But if that wasn’t a cry for help, I honestly don’t know what it is.

Sometimes it seems I have everything under control, that I can deal with things and that I can support myself. Truth is, as I understand it, that it’s just a placebo effect calming my nerves. It delays the storm, because I don’t know how y’all do this.

I don’t know how you deal with difficulties, I don’t know how you mantain a relationship without selling yourself (aka “I’m so fucking scared you’ll go away that I’ll do practically everything to keep you close to me”), I don’t know how you motivate yourself and I can’t understand what I should do to help myself get out this sticky marsh I’m drowning into.

If I’m not going to learn by myself, I need an instructor to teach me.

I need a therapist.

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[…]There are no such things as wrong places. There are only things and places in endless combinations, people and things in places you wouldn’t expect, and a shift of context to allow for their presence there. And that is exciting because it means everything is always where it should be, and that things could turn up, somewhere else,  when you’ve given up hope. And that you can put yourself anywhere, at any place at all, and that’s exactly the place where you’ll belong.

~ Daphne Kapsali, 100 Days of Solitude 

Read Better, Not More – 2017 bookish resolutions

Challenge yourself to read more, this year!

Goodreads users know that a new year means a new reading challenge. New books, new goals: everyone of us wants to accomplish something more than we did in the past year and our TBRs usually are so big that reading faster is the only possible way to get through it all.

Reading challenge, but everytime you add a book to your TBR pile it gets faster

(if you don’t get the ref, you live outside meme culture and you should remedy that)

But it’s a new year and this means I want to do something different. In 2017 my personal reading challenge will be focused on reading better.

I’ve read faster for three years now. I did my first challenge in 2014 and since then my reading rate has grown of twenty books a year. T W E N T Y. That’s insane.
My pledge for 2016 was to read 60 books (I did the math and thought that five books a month were something I could manage) and although I ended up reading 54 I think it’s a win because it’s 14 books more than 2015. Those are ridiculous number, y’all.
I proved that I can read a lot. I proved I can read faster. There’s no point in doing this again: I can’t grow that rate any longer and I don’t wish to.

When I read my point is not “finish the book”, it’s “read the book”. Possibly, “savour the book” and “understand what you’re reading” – something I can’t do with the ghost of Goodreads asking how faster I am doing it.
Yeah, it’s all my personal problem here, but this idea of doing everything faster and faster is sickening at some point. Furthermore, there are several non-fiction books I really want to read this year and if one can eat up a story in a couple of days, long essays have to be chewed and digested slowly. And talking about non-fiction, I really need to start write down notes when I read. I tell myself that I’m going to remember every idea that comes up into my kind, but it’s a lie. We all know I won’t.

Last, but not least, I want to explore some genres I never read before (like horror or mystery, I already downloaded a collection of H. P. Lovecraft) and I want to read more poetry. As a student of literature I read what I must for my courses, but there are modern authors I discovered that I appreciate as well as some classic authors that caught my attention. 

Now, I’ll (slowly) grab my book and start reading. Slowly. 

word of the year, 2017 ed.

One of the very first thing I did last year after opening this blog was to write an article about my words for 2016.
The three words I chose inspired me throughout the year and kept me going, even during November and December – the hardest months, all things considered.
For 2017 I want to keep it minimal and I chose one word only: worth.

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The choice came only partly from pondering, as I feel it as an extension of the work I’ve been doing on myself in the past year. In November and December 2016 I came across some rough times, but they helped me point out one of my biggest problems: the way I consider myself, what happens and what’s around me.

I have an hard time believing myself worthy of anything (we lack self-esteem here) and this influences both my mundane and spiritual work. It inhibits my ability to motivate myself, because I think that in the end I deserve nothing and won’t get anything. I’m going to tackle this in my future shadow work and hopefully I’ll get out more self-loving and self-accepting. However, worth is a lense through which I want to look at the world. Sometimes I give importance to trivial things, or things that make me feel bad, and I forget what is truly worthy of my attention and time. The result is that I feel ashamed and drained of all my energies. It’s the time to start prioritize what really makes me feel good about myself and what I do, especially when it’s about relationships and what people might think of what I do and the why I act.

As simple as this word might seem, I feel I have a great work ahead of me. Something that can really change who I am for the better. I’m hopeful, but most of all I’m willing to go through this year. I trust what I can do.

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