Maybe this is not something you say to the person you love the most in the world, not after doing what I’ve done.
But if that wasn’t a cry for help, I honestly don’t know what it is.
Sometimes it seems I have everything under control, that I can deal with things and that I can support myself. Truth is, as I understand it, that it’s just a placebo effect calming my nerves. It delays the storm, because I don’t know how y’all do this.
I don’t know how you deal with difficulties, I don’t know how you mantain a relationship without selling yourself (aka “I’m so fucking scared you’ll go away that I’ll do practically everything to keep you close to me”), I don’t know how you motivate yourself and I can’t understand what I should do to help myself get out this sticky marsh I’m drowning into.
If I’m not going to learn by myself, I need an instructor to teach me.
One of the very first thing I did last year after opening this blog was to write an article about my words for 2016.
The three words I chose inspired me throughout the year and kept me going, even during November and December – the hardest months, all things considered.
For 2017 I want to keep it minimal and I chose one word only: worth.
The choice came only partly from pondering, as I feel it as an extension of the work I’ve been doing on myself in the past year. In November and December 2016 I came across some rough times, but they helped me point out one of my biggest problems: the way I consider myself, what happens and what’s around me.
I have an hard time believing myself worthy of anything (we lack self-esteem here) and this influences both my mundane and spiritual work. It inhibits my ability to motivate myself, because I think that in the end I deserve nothing and won’t get anything. I’m going to tackle this in my future shadow work and hopefully I’ll get out more self-loving and self-accepting. However, worth is a lense through which I want to look at the world. Sometimes I give importance to trivial things, or things that make me feel bad, and I forget what is truly worthy of my attention and time. The result is that I feel ashamed and drained of all my energies. It’s the time to start prioritize what really makes me feel good about myself and what I do, especially when it’s about relationships and what people might think of what I do and the why I act.
As simple as this word might seem, I feel I have a great work ahead of me. Something that can really change who I am for the better. I’m hopeful, but most of all I’m willing to go through this year. I trust what I can do.
If it seemed to you that I forgot this blog, I didn’t.
There was simply no way I could keep up with writing with all the shit that was going on in my life between October and December.
A lot of shit.
However even shit is bound to pass, and it did. Now it’s a new year, I’m willing to try some new things and I’m willing to push myself to write more. More than nothing is bound to be at least something.
I have some things in this little brain of mine I’m going to talk you about in the next days, I can’t wait to lay it all out.
As you can see, I changed the blog’s name. I think this one embodies best the spirit in which this place was born and what I want to accomplish with it.
Hope you all had a wonderful start, for this 2017 (that is still a lil baby in the cradle).
I’m prepared to kick some asses during the next twelve months and I hope you’ll do to.
The pressure of everything that has happened in the past three weeks left me with a sense of detachment from myself. I feel like I’m thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, like I want to do everything but do not know how to start. In moments such as this, it is like my entire being is trying to escape my body so anxiously and in such a hurry, that it gets stuck at the exit. Pressing at whatever hole there might be.
I’m glad that it does, because imagine if I were left with nothing, but I am lucky enough to know that this feeling means I forgot to be in contact with my true self and that I need to take cover and rest. Be with myself.
University does not help. I have a lot of work to do, and my life became again so frenetic that I can barely keep up with the (light) shadow work that I was doing and that was helping me so much. I can barely hear my thoughts, let alone dig into them.
There are not only bad things, though. It’s October. I love October, with its chill hair and crispy leaves.
The rains started last week and I have this strong impression that the Cailleach has put her veil onto the world – it’s not white snow, but it’s that grey of the rains announcing November and colder temperatures. Like a promise, something to look forward to.
I feel the world became so quite, and I marvel at the silence and the calmness that I perceive. I’d like to feel that peace, too.
I have to let my leaves fall. As always, though, I start over-thinking about what I should do and that does not allow me to see what I can do.
I need to go outside. Yesterday I wanted to, but the rain was so thick I couldn’t see an inch from my nose. I crave nature, that I once again left behind.
This morning I went out with an old high school friend. It’s the kind of friend I don’t see much, but with whom I always am happy to go out and talk just about everything. We walked around the city centre, and then went to this lovely little bar. We enjoyed dinner, drunk one of the best coffee I ever had (with ice cream in it! A real delight!) and we also found some interesting books. Because this little coffee shop I never heard of has a shelf for book crossing! It was like a dream, especially because I found old italian copies of Terry Pratchett, Yeats and Weis & Hickman. I’m in heaven. I plan to go there as soon as possible and bring old books I’m not interested in anymore, to return the favour to the universe.
They also organize evenings with spiritual themes, and although they seem too new age-y for my liking I’m going to try some of them just out of curiosity.
It was such a delightful morning and I enjoyed myself so much. It’s rare for me to feel like this, to feel completely accepted from those I have in front of me and to feel like my company really matters.
Especially because in the last weekes I had a bad time dealing with people and those that (supposedly) are my friends. After a couple of years of ignoring the matter, I realise that the person I have around me are not the one with whom I can share my interests. My real interests. Make serious discussions about what really matters to me. Not just superficial videogame and book chat. And just after realising this I became eager to go out of my comfort zone and try to meet new people, go to new places and meet someone who shares even a little slice of my interests.
However, I’m not completely alone. I have a couple of close friends with whom I feel I can really talk about everything and the friend I went out with today is one of them. I still don’t know why we are so comfortable with each other, because you could look at us and guess we’re the most different persone on the planet. And yet, she is one of the few people who is there for me and I feel like I haven’t considered how much this is meaningful in my life. I believe that I overlooked her for such a long time.
It’s crazy, but we complaing of what makes us feel bad and forget so easily what is good for us.
I’m writing this to remember and celebrate how much fun we had today, how I felt good. It is a reminder to be more thankful and to celebrate more what I already have in my life, instead of complaining for what I don’t have.
I’m surprisingly happy that September finally came to knock on our doors. Autumn, to me, it’s like a second spring. A sort of second beginning, even if we are without doubt heading towards the waning part of the year.
The third and fourth week of August are the ones in which you start to notice that the sun sets earlier than before. There is this sense that autumn is coming, you can already see the leaves reddening and falling from trees, the farmers are starting to haverst the crops. And even though everything is changing, it seems to do so slowly.
I must admit that I’m happy to leave the hot days behind. Summer takes a lot out of me, because I can’t bear the temperature (and the humidity) and I end up doing nothing in that time of the year when everyone seems to do things. I work better when the air it’s cool. It was so hot that I barely went out during the day. I can’t wait to loose myself in nature again, without having to bear such high temperatures. I am also eager t to go back to running in the evening, another thing I stopped doing in June.
I’m also excited to go back to university, because I’m starting my Swedish course this year. I made this decision to change langauges at uni in March, and now I can actively pursue my goals. I fear that it’ll be another disaster, but I’m also confindent that I’ll do everything I can to make it work. I won’t graduate anytime soon, but I’ll be doing something that I truly love and that is the most important thing.
As for what I did this summer (never forget to celebrate your accomplishments!) I finally passed that extremely difficult and painful English exam. In the last academic year I passed all the exams with good grades and I think that is wonderful, especially because my academic career practically stopped for an entire year in 2014.
I spent a week on vacation and had the chance to swim in the sea (although we have been stung by jellifish, ugh).
And more importantly, I spent August doing what makes me feeling good. I watched cartoons, read a lot, relaxed, went out with friends and tried to give myself all the rest I need to rock the next few months.
So, dear September, don’t worry: I’m ready for everything you’re bringing with you.